One of my favorite quotes about fathers is, ironically, from Frank Abegnale, the notorious con man (you probably know him as a young Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie Catch Me If You Can, based in his life. He said this about fatherhood: 

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"A real man loves his wife, and places his family as the most important thing in life. Nothing has brought me more peace and content in life than simply being a good husband and father."

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I always thought those were really poignant words, especially from someone intimately familiar with navigating fraud and manipulating reality, essentially capable of creating any life he could imagine for himself. Even after all the excitement and thrill he experienced, he found that truth and real value lied in peace, balance, and being centered in his role as a husband and father. That's pretty powerful.

 

There isn't really any new or groundbreaking issue I want to cover in this post, I simply want to explore our intentions behind celebrating Father's Day and challenge you to identify any stereotypes you may hold about what it means to be a father. We express gratitude to our fathers for very valid but vague things, like providing for the family or being our dad. By being more intentional about the way we celebrate and express our gratitude to the father figures in our lives, we recognize the important things they do and encourage positive influence, improvement, and impact to continue. Let's help identify the lines they add to their legacy, not just repeat cliché phrases. What makes your father figure an original?

 

Here are some ideas of things you can thank your father figures for that help to break down male stereotypes and are certain to make the dads in your life feel seen and supported in their roles: 

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• Navigating the balance between "fun" and parenting: This challenges the stereotype of dads being the "fun parent" and moms being the nagging ones.  

• Sharing their skills and equally taking responsibility for actions that impact and involve the house and the family:  Do you have a dad in your life that is awesome at cooking, cleaning, shopping, or budgeting, or makes a point to share these tasks equally in the home? Thank them for making time and effort to develop and be proficient at those tasks. 

• Acting in kind, empathetic, and patient ways, or in other words being aware instead of ignorant and taking opportunities to learn: Supporting the choices of children even if they aren't traditional or challenge the way they were raised (i.e. supporting a child who chooses to eat a vegetarian diet by making supportive comments, asking questions, and withholding statements that could belittle their choice and efforts). 

• spending quality time with the wife or kids instead of checking off a certain quantity or quota, which sometimes involves sacrifice or inconvenience

• choosing to be a stay-at-home father to support the equal role of the mother and her goals as part of family aspirations and stability (a stereotype exists that this is an "easy" job or that men spend time doing this to "re-pay" women after maternity leave for example...just like stay-at-home moms, dads fulfilling this capacity in the home should be recognized for the hard, important, life-shaping work they are daily doing)

• being organized and productive, and sharing tasks equally (i.e. laundry, bills, changing diapers, chores), especially at home, challenging the stereotype that men are or should be lazy or catered to when they are home, or that certain tasks or jobs are designated to men or women 

• expressing their emotions and feels in healthy ways (this is a very important example to set because it challenges the masculine identity that to be a man is to be emotionless, which is both false and toxic)

• recognizing the roles of women and challenging stereotypes when the opportunity presents itself (i.e. when being praised for changing diapers or participating in childcare, taking the opportunity to explain that your philosophy as a father is that it shouldn't be a surprise or miraculous event when men in those roles share equally in those tasks but that rather it should be an equal discussion/participation as mothers and fathers. 

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*Not every family has a typical structure, so be sure to be intentional, aware, and sensitive to diverse family situations. Also, thank the not so traditional father figures in your life! Really anyone who has stepped in and helped to provide the role of father in your life can be celebrated today. Beyond fathers, godfathers, grandfathers, stepfathers, and uncles, is there anyone in your life that you want to thank for being there and making an impact by providing for your needs?

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I know that probably seems like a lot to avoid or consider, but what I kept coming back to in writing this article was that a lot of ideas we perpetuate about Father's Day center around really toxic or false ideas about masculinity and what it means to be a father or husband. While "toxic masculinity" has been a bit of buzzword in recent years and can seem sometimes like a blanket attack on the male gender, in it's truest form I believe the call to recognize toxic masculinity is an effort to protect the good things that men are. Toxic masculinity hurts and creates inequality for men just as much, if not more, than it does for women. 

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What I'm trying to get at here is that we have a wonderful opportunity on Father's Day and preparing for it, to celebrate the wonderful, pure, and intentional actions and examples the father figures in our lives give to us. My father is not a perfect man and he has flaws, but so do I. But last year he choose to donate his kidney to save another man's life. I'm not going to sit down to a father's day dinner and ignore the things he's done wrong but I'm also not going to sit there and ignore the many, many things he has chosen to do intentionally and done right. I say variations of this phrase about a lot of holidays that celebrate people, but it is true: If we are really celebrating it right, every day should feel like Father's Day for our dads. 

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This year for Father's Day, set an intention to recognize and validate the things that challenge negative stereotypes and promote positive images and examples of the roles of a good father. If you are wondering what those things are, the things that make people good fathers are simply things that make each of us good humans-paying genuine attention, investing in health and healthy habits for themselves and for their family, treating everyone with equality and kindness, etc. To me, something that sets fathers apart from mothers is their ability to recognize and promote simplicity in the home. Men are typically more technical in their approach to things, and this can be a huge asset in the roles of fatherhood. There are so many times I can think of where a hug from my dad or an "I love you" from my grandpa was just what I needed. Honor your fathers this Dad's Day by setting intentions for their celebration that honor a return to simplicity and an awareness of the real, true things that make them good fathers and in turn good people. 

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This post was honestly kind of challenging for me to find inspiration for because so many of the decorative motifs we use for father's day in my opinion don't really honor what it means to be a good father. All the ties, collared shirts, fishing gear, etc. seemed a little to surface level to communicate what I wanted to say about the deeper aspects of what my dad means to me. I kept coming back to the more raw materials, earthy tones, and simple patterns because fathers often ground us and seem to be able to fix anything with the resources around them. There's a both a vulnerability and a power that exists when decorating with hues inspired by the world around us to celebrate the qualities within us and those we love. I hope you and your father figures love these intentional and inspirational ideas as much as I do. 

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Tag me @theANNIfeed as you explore your Father's Day celebration intentions and find inspiration. I'd love to know in the comments-what is one thing your father has taught you that has changed how you approach life?